So I went to visit a couple of friends today in their business. I was reduced to three things within this discussion. 1. I am irrevocably biased by my atheism. 2. My “leadership quality” of expecting people to question authority is expecting too much. 3. Because I am a Progressive I am more prone to “media religion/politics truthing” Meaning I believe whatever the “Liberal Secular” media tells me. Which insults my intelligence and completely contradicts the idea that I have any leadership qualities. Lets call my friends Thomas, Caleb and Nate.

That was hard to take, Caleb and Thomas are fairly close friends of mine. Caleb is nearly family and I hold his opinion in a really high regard. He’s the big brother and friend I’ve always wanted and I wish we were closer. Nate is relatively new friend who seems to me is a nice guy, however he does hold thinly veiled amused contempt for my atheism and always makes a joke or a comment at the expense of said atheism. He is catholic, and he feels that he is more evolved than the other christians secs. Simply, catholics are the first and true christians. His words not mine.

This is a huge reason why I refuse to come out publicly with my atheism at this point in my life. I cannot handle the constant need to put me down, which I do not make quips against religion simply because he is around. It’s usually brought up in a manner such as, “Well, you wouldn’t agree with this because it is a church thing and you’re an atheist.” Haha and now the joke or whatever comes next is always on me and they do expect me to defend myself and my point of view merely because it is in opposition to theirs. Although I dearly love Caleb and Thomas, who are a couple, they have never noticed or even defended the fact when the discussion turns serious I’m the only “Liberal” Atheist in the room and therefore it’s okay to bombard me with reason after reason why I’m wrong or questions where I have to defend my beliefs and my questions on their are always vaguely answered (save Caleb who is extremely articulate about such things)

Now as I was constantly on the defensive I can’t give you a lot of specifics on the conversation. When I gave an example yes it was a conservative example. They compared Bill Clinton and Monica to Reverend Long molesting boys and since I didn’t think Clinton’s indiscretion was as important as a REVEREND molesting boys my argument was moot. Every time I tried to defend my stance we would get off track and no matter how I tried to make my point they would find a way to make it moot on one of two facts. I was blindly following the liberals or I held the wrong people to too high of expectations. Sheepeople, if you excuse the term, weren’t supposed to think for themselves and ignorance and the media were to blame is all. However, free higher education and universal healthcare were too liberal but government controlled media were okay? I’m confused. Big government is the problem or it’s not. Nate and Thomas do get more invested in these conversations because they grew up very conservatively. The identify with that, Nate I get, Thomas I don’t so much. From what I’ve heard it took a while for Thomas to “Come out” because of the conservative community, but I could be wrong and I never really felt close enough to ask him.

I will say that that we did agree in some areas. Spending is the issue, Social Reform is needed not cuts. Healthcare is a mess and running for political office needs to be publicly funded with caps and the government needs to be completely transparent so media such as Fox “news” cannot manipulate whats happening. Also, the people no longer have a real voice in government and our officials are no longer working for us, but for corporations. I am frustrated because I feel like I care more about gay civil rights than Caleb and Thomas and civil rights as a whole over any religious ideal obviously and somehow I always feel slightly condemned and I hate feeling that way. That I’m the one that needs to learn a lesson. I’m the crazy one. I’m the one who needs more education. I am sick of it. I love Caleb and Thomas, but there are times when I feel like I’m not respected since I “came out” as an atheist. I will always have something to prove, maybe I had hoped that as gay men they would be a little more understanding as a minority. I try to live and act like this strong put together person. If that were true I wouldn’t be anonymous I wouldn’t have the raging insecurities when I’m told I’m just ignorant and need more education of the facts. One of these days I will post some excerpts from conversations with my uncle on facebook. I know it’s in-part good fun for him but it’s in-part serious.

Most of all I feel incredible silly for wanting to cry because my friends not only disagreed with me but were dismissive and tried to point out where I was wrong and that I was too biased to have an opinion about certain subjects; ie religion and politics. I do try hard not to shame the people I love for believing what they do, but when I think I’m having a perfectly normal conversation and my mother says “You have to stop talking, I disagree with you so much this is pissing me off.” I come up short. We were talking about an abortion bill which we are completely against however discussing the Republican party’s need to legislate morals based on christianity in a supposedly secular government I’m so far into left I just need to shut up. I listen and agreed with a lot of Nate’s points. However I really don’t believe he was actually listening to my arguments, more just listening for loopholes in my points just to unravel them.

What am I even doing here? Is there anyone listening? Does my voice count? I feel so alone. I wish my soldier was here. He’s the only real ally and the best friend I’ve ever known and never doubted. I hate boot camp… How do people like me find out we are not alone in the blogginverse?