So, over the past 10 months I’ve been going through so much and I was afraid to talk about it with my soldier. Two old friends dying. Unsupportive people around me dragging me down. My soldier afraid of me getting too dependent… and I was. I was scared. Terrified. I thought to be strong for him I couldn’t tell him everything I was going through. I did tell him about my friends and their bashing of our relationship. How if he didn’t want to marry me and changed his mind about the move I should be expecting to be dumped any second. So I did. and I grew angrier and more erratic.
I can’t even talk about all the other stuff, the crap I couldn’t even tell him about. My last relationship had been more abusive that I let on and I could deal with it. Still, I took it out on him and he avoided me and I would text and text and get angrier and angrier. I ruined it.I have to live with the consequences. I hurt him and he moved on to a new life, completely free of his old one. He is no longer MY soldier. Maybe he never was.
It’s a humbling experience to say the least. To feel this small. Now I know what the problems are I can fix them. I just have to find love with someone who won’t quit on me when I’m at my worst or my weakest.
I believed that man was the strongest person I knew and nothing could scare him but he ended up being scared by me.
I am alone. I am still standing. I am still happy. I am still strong.
Now I’m starting over. I guess the Bitterroot will have to put up with me a while longer.
PS: to my new pen pal . Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed that letter that you sent to me. It made me cry at your kind words and generous spirit. Thank a thousand times.
