The Bitterroot Wire

Well I find it’s time for a change. Tomorrow I will start the process of starting my life over. I have decided to move to Washington, DC. There are a few job opportunities available as well as a man that loves me to death. I am lucky. I am grateful.

I need to get everything in order so I can actually post every week at least. I want to make sure that I still get my voice out into the world and do it in a healthy way. In order to do that I need to move. I love this valley and Montana as a state and I do plan on returning. I don’t know when I’ll come back or even if I’ll broadcast the move to a lot of people. This last year has been rough and I’ve had a decided lack of support system. I forgive but I must move on from the life I’ve planned and create the best life possible for me.

I’ve found that I need to accept that people don’t always care about me the way I care about them, that if they want to be in my life I won’t have to beg.  Yes, it’s time for me to move on.  Follow my passion and heart. It’s going to be difficult but worth it. I want to go where I’ve never been and choose a life I never dreamed existed. I am ready.

So, over the past 10 months I’ve been going through so much and I was afraid to talk about it with my soldier.  Two old friends dying. Unsupportive people around me dragging me down. My soldier afraid of me getting too dependent… and I was.  I was scared. Terrified.  I thought to be strong for him I couldn’t tell him everything I was going through.  I did tell him about my friends and their bashing of our relationship. How if he didn’t want to marry me and changed his mind about the move I should be expecting to be dumped any second. So I did. and I grew angrier and more erratic.

I can’t even talk about all the other stuff, the crap I couldn’t even tell him about. My last relationship had been more abusive that I let on and I could deal with it. Still, I took it out on him and he avoided me and I would text and text and get angrier and angrier.  I ruined it.I have to live with the consequences. I hurt him and he moved on to a new life, completely free of his old one. He is no longer MY soldier. Maybe he never was.

It’s a humbling experience to say the least. To feel this small. Now I know what the problems are I can fix them. I just have to find love with someone who won’t quit on me when I’m at my worst or my weakest.

I believed that man was the strongest person I knew and nothing could scare him but he ended up being scared by me.

I am alone. I am still standing. I am still happy. I am still strong.

Now I’m starting over. I guess the Bitterroot will have to put up with me a while longer.

PS: to my new pen pal . Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed that letter that you sent to me. It made me cry at your kind words and generous spirit. Thank a thousand times.